@Lovepink1120124

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

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@nayele18maybe

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

@NOLAN_MA

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

@hamspamtymaam

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

@gavinspeiller

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

@Sean_Burgundy_

People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with “Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T OPEN THE FREEZER.”

@FriendlyAssh0le

if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.

@roxiqt

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

@lloydrang

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

@LadyBlueberry

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.