Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

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Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.


Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?


A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.


What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?


People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with “Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T OPEN THE FREEZER.”


if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.


[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting


Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.


Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.