@JediGigi

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

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@mommajessiec

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

@thenatewolf

*Orders pizza*

What a night

*Phone buzzes*

And a text? Killing it

*checks phone*

ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising

@scorpicpanda

5: “I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads.”

Me: “I’ll have whatever that kid’s having.”

@KalvinMacleod

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

@Jerrypleasure

[1st day working in a Bank]
*gang comes in with a knife in their hands*

ME: *rushes over to them* Can you chop these apples for me

@Tommytoughstuff

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

@rcromwell4

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.