Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
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Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?