[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
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Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.