@TheAlexNevil

“Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”

“Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”

- @TheAlexNevil

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@daemonic3

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

@sonictyrant

Girl: i noticed you’ve been checking out this body all night

Me: hell yeah

Girl:*slow winks* wanna help me bury it?

@PastorBate

Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.

@missmayn

I find it in poor taste that the 1am drive-thru attendant asks “How are you?” Not good, Maria. Clearly.

@SentenceReduced

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

@Dank_Pal

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

@kelkulus

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

@MikeCanRant

I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger

@AntozWolf

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.