@TheAlexNevil

“Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”

“Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”

- @TheAlexNevil

You Might Also Like

@weinerdog4life

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

@HenpeckedHal

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

@1Bad_Scientist

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

@Brampersandon_

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

@IamEnidColeslaw

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

@BoomBoomBetty

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

@ibid78

I just got an eyelash in my eye and I’m yelling at it cuz it’s supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, “YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB.”

@AndrewChamings

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

@lisaxy424

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

@abbycohenwl

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic