I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
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wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*