Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
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ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
For the baby who has everything
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
what’s really going on
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”