Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
You Might Also Like
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me: