Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

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Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.


I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.


While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.


“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”

– Inventors of boomerangs


Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod


Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.


bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah


[plane crash]

survivor: it was horrible

rescuer: it’s ok, you’re safe now

s: but we had to eat the other passengers

r: hush, you did what you needed to do to survive

s: I suppose, the only food left in the galley was Hawaiian pizza

r: how awful, you clearly had no choice