Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
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If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim