@AmericanGent69

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

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@pharmasean

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

@Mostly_Cheese

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

@DevilryFun

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

@RawspberryJamb

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”

– Inventors of boomerangs

@CatherineLMK

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

@groovuroy

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

@mortimermaiden

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

@Gupton68

[plane crash]

survivor: it was horrible

rescuer: it’s ok, you’re safe now

s: but we had to eat the other passengers

r: hush, you did what you needed to do to survive

s: I suppose, the only food left in the galley was Hawaiian pizza

r: how awful, you clearly had no choice