me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.