Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
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a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?