@Marlebean

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

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@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

@mjkspeaks

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

@girl_a_whirl

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

@XplodingUnicorn

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

@WinningByARose

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

@jellybnbonanza

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

@carlyken

I need a career involving less interaction and more pizza.
I’ve narrowed it down to:
Pizza Farmer
Pizza Hunter
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

@Freudianscript

When speaking to your wife, always end with, “but i could be wrong,” this way when she says you’re wrong, you’ll be right for a change.

@Reverend_Scott

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now