[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
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When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
A friend sent me this.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.