[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

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3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.


She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.


[First date]
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”


My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.


The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.


I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.


I’m a fi-sci writer.
“You mean sci-fi?”
No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.


When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young!!