@ShortSleeveSuit

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

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@GrampsTramp

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

@Mardigroan

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

@Spaziotwat

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

@FreddieCampion

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

@kimtopher22

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

@AnniemuMary

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

@HavocMantis

I’m a fi-sci writer.
“You mean sci-fi?”
No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.

@iGreenMonk

When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young!!