[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
You Might Also Like
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.