{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
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every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You鈥檇 think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you鈥檇 be wrong.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Please don鈥檛 block me. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
me working on my assignments ^-^
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I鈥檓 going to kill you myself.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
*sneaks into neighbor鈥檚 garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It鈥檚 similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I鈥檝e never seen Die Hard but I assume it鈥檚 about a dude who dies during sex?
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?