People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
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me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Fastening a pendant around my son’s neck before dying for him, “Keep this always. The audience won’t recognize you as an adult without it”
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Dear Edward, maybe the reason you can’t read Bella’s mind is because there’s nothing in her head. Sincerely, Logic.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”
*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.