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@LOUD_Thoughts_

People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?

Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.

@comotethomas

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

@radtoria

Fastening a pendant around my son’s neck before dying for him, “Keep this always. The audience won’t recognize you as an adult without it”

@rablivingstone

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

@Carbosly

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

@MenHumor

Dear Edward, maybe the reason you can’t read Bella’s mind is because there’s nothing in her head. Sincerely, Logic.

@MatCro

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

@Parkerlawyer

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

@BritXNic

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.