FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
A game married people play.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.