[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
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the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Someone’s fallen Lord
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There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.