If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
You Might Also Like
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.