“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
You Might Also Like
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Nice try, poison.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
listen closely
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight