“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
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Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
December birthdays be like…
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip