“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
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*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
The replacement refs pulled a @KimKardashian last night (screwed 53 rich black guys at the same time).
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“who brought the getaway car?”
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
“Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.