Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
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A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
i hope my email finds you on fire
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no