Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
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*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.