DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
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Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious