@apollilaire
i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: “tell me the meaning of life”. when the door bell rings there’s only an empty box
@andlikelaura
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
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@apollilaire
@MrEd_EVH
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
@RunOldMan
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
@mack44_d
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
@TheRealPalMal
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
@thatUPSdude
Devil: I want your soul!
Me: Not for sale!
Devil: Name your price.
Me: Fix all my typos.
Devil: Too much work, keep your soul.
@SlipperySecret
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
@CeruleanGates
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
@Shenaniglenns
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
@EndhooS
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT