darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
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Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president