darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

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i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: “tell me the meaning of life”. when the door bell rings there’s only an empty box


Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life


I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.


*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’


Devil: I want your soul!

Me: Not for sale!

Devil: Name your price.

Me: Fix all my typos.

Devil: Too much work, keep your soul.


Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.


Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward


GF: I’m leaving you
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT