darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
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I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Try and stop me.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.