Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
You Might Also Like
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Delightful if true: booby trap.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials