Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die