@blade_funner
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
@Holy_Mowgli
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
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@blade_funner
@SladeWentworth
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
@Rachelnoise
I’m worried that I’m gonna get a super judgey coroner.
@dafloydsta
FRIEND: Women like when you’re mysterious
ME: Okay
[later on date]
HER: So where are we going tonight?
ME: None of your goddamn business
@NoChillPosts
LEGEND
@FatherWithTwins
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
@mynameisntdave
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
@leannuh
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
@AndrewNadeau0
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.