@Holy_Mowgli

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

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@TheAndrewNadeau

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

@UncleDuke1969

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

@steeve_again

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

@TheAlexNevil

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

@PajamaStew

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

@steveolivas

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

@robdelaney

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

@pixelatedboat

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die