DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
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me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee