Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
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[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.