my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
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It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
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If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean