@Dwarven_Cleric

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

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@imteddybless

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

@Staggfilms

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

@krautsider

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

@JediGigi

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

@PinkCamoTO

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

@OctopusCaveman

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

@TheRealPalMal

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

@Ygrene

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

@e4moji

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean