Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
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I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Life with a cat in one tweet