Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

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INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: [Removes mask to reveal that he was actually the interviewer the whole time]


Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.


Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.


*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.


Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it


[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”