“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
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Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
That’s incredible! 👌
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.