[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

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[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!


If you think explaining this election to children was tough, try being single. The dog and houseplant just sat there in confused silence.


Kids: haha you have to work and we don’t have school today

Me *closing the front door* I changed the wifi password. Love you guys!


What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes


Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to


I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.


Grandpa *pulls coin from my ear*
Me: Pft. Some trick.
Grandpa *shoves coin into my ear, twists my nose, peanuts begin pouring from my face*


Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.


cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck