[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings