[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
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If you think explaining this election to children was tough, try being single. The dog and houseplant just sat there in confused silence.
Kids: haha you have to work and we don’t have school today
Me *closing the front door* I changed the wifi password. Love you guys!
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnaping?
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Grandpa *pulls coin from my ear*
Me: Pft. Some trick.
Grandpa *shoves coin into my ear, twists my nose, peanuts begin pouring from my face*
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck