Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

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me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go


My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up


The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.


Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”


me, an extrovert: don’t scare the introverts don’t scare the introverts don’t scare the introverts


me: HI!!!!

introvert: *runs away screaming*


Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails


I learned how to count cards so I could hustle idiot 4 year olds out of their juice box when we play Go Fish


1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*


If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.