Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
man i love columbo
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again