me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
You Might Also Like
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you’re making an offer.