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@aotakeo

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

@envydatropic

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

@njlitigator

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

@super_morgasm

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

@knot_eye

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

@GrantTanaka

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

@sarahcpr

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

@BrainFumbles

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

@Sarcasticsapien

I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you’re making an offer.