How do I rate our solar system?
One star
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[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.