gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
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I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.