DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
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Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
When your parents check you’re ok.
pictures of spider-man
Thursday
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.