Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
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Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
me: wanna see my cat’s shed?
friend: lots of cats shed. why would–
[my cat enters wearing a tool belt]
cat: show him the gazebo, too
This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It’s called “I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song”
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
A zombie apocalypse will be the only time you’ll hear me say ‘please don’t eat me’
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me