@chuuew

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

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@alexlumaga

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

@brian_bilston

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

@gojarbe

me: wanna see my cat’s shed?
friend: lots of cats shed. why would–
[my cat enters wearing a tool belt]
cat: show him the gazebo, too

@jazmasta

*strums ukulele*
This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It’s called “I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song”

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

@iamchrisscott

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

@turtledumplin

A zombie apocalypse will be the only time you’ll hear me say ‘please don’t eat me’

……aaaand send

@Tommytoughstuff

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

@SarahAMoulton

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

@dumbbeezie

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me