Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
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Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
“Why you watching this shit?”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!