Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
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I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I’m not stressed
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
This sounds bad:
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.