Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Beauty and the Beast
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”