@MichaelTrying

Darwin is a genius. Just realized I’m attracted to women in glasses because I’m more likely to reproduce with a woman who can’t see me well.

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@EndhooS

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

@ArfMeasures

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

@IngestMyBabies

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

@selenamua_

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

@ShortSleeveSuit

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

@tsm560

I don’t know if this day is tantamount to the worst day of my life because I don’t know what tantamount means.

@alexlumaga

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

@BunAndLeggings

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

@AbbieEvansXO

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

@chelliet22

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.