Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

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WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her


Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it


ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket


I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.


Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.


BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”


When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2



GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.