WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
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Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
#PictureWednesday #health #nutrition #exercise
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
quarantine day 3