@thejennyleone

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

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@Brampersandon_

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

@lovemydogduck

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

@caithuls

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

@simoncholland

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

@virtualhippie

Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

@Reverend_Scott

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

@nyquills

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.