Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
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A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Grandmother clock.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.