DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
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priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.