@fro_vo

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

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@Kyle_Lippert

Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says “Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!” & starts crying

@KThonvold

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

@BastardProphet

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

@jergarl

[at Timmy’s funeral]

Lassie’s thought bubble: Frankly, I can’t even believe he lasted this long I’m so tired

@shkeeber

There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.

@TweetPotato314

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

@ZombieProblms

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

@ComedicBust

Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.

@AnniemuMary

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

@mela_shea

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling