Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says “Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!” & starts crying
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[at Timmy’s funeral]
Lassie’s thought bubble: Frankly, I can’t even believe he lasted this long I’m so tired
There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling