Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
You Might Also Like
hi why am I like this
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.