DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
You Might Also Like
Oh thanks BBC.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
🍛
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it