@Home_Halfway

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

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@ClichedOut

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

@HomeWithPeanut

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

@Eightinchgoat

Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.

@pterotactful

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

@imteddybless

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

@Sorrowscopes

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

@KentWGraham

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.