DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
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My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Basketball
Dead
Alive
Other✔
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.