DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

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Don’t you love it when you order salt at McDonald’s and you accidentally get some fries!


I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense


Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.


Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down


Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.


[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”


Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”


99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.


1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe