Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
You Might Also Like
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.