@MarfSalvador

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

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@ghinapalestina

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

@joeheenan

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

@imshitimsorry

lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can’t burp so they get mad and cry
me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies

@TheSofiya

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

@blahdevivre

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

@noneofyours99

*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*

Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers

“You look fine now”

@KKAlThani

An alarm clock that sends the person you like one of your deleted mirror pictures every time you hit the snooze button.