date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
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Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss