me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
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I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can’t burp so they get mad and cry
me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
can’t wait til they legalize outside
*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*
Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers
“You look fine now”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
An alarm clock that sends the person you like one of your deleted mirror pictures every time you hit the snooze button.