date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

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me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?


I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch


lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can’t burp so they get mad and cry
me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies


which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills


I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok


*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*

Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers

“You look fine now”


An alarm clock that sends the person you like one of your deleted mirror pictures every time you hit the snooze button.