I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
You Might Also Like
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Note to self: always read the final line
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac