Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
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If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.